-- eighteen.

mood: A little sad... I think.
listening to: "Map of the Problematique" - Muse.
reading: Nothing
watching: Nothing
playing: Nothing
eating: Nothing
drinking: Water

- - - - - >

◊ one;

Father brought us back to Mother's last Friday.
The last two days I was there could've gone much better.

My weekend could have, too.

- - - - - >

◊ two;

I don't feel so well lately, physically or emotionally—mostly emotionally.
For me, things have been... very off and on recently, and it's left me with a bad feeling deep in my stomach. It's left me feeling nervous.
... That's really all I can say about the last few days. I mean... what more is there?

There's more. Of course there's more.
I'm just good at keeping my mouth shut nowadays.
I still respect privacy, unlike some people here.

All of what I'm feeling right now... confuses me...

I feel like I need to cry, but... I worry that I'll be crying for no reason if I do.
My chest feels empty (and yet my head feels so full).
I feel lost, for some reason... like someone let go of my hand and just left me here, as though they expected me to make this journey on my own.
I feel hated, but I think that's just the negative aura in this house. Then again, I don't really know anymore.

I guess all I can do about this right now is talk about it when I can find the words and keep thinking about the good things that lie ahead, to keep myself going.

But what if those good things actually turn out to be bad?

- - - - - >

◊ three;

The only things I find worthy of updating from recently:

• I've been studying my driver's handbook, and I plan on taking the written test probably this week or next week to get my permit... finally. (I can't wait to get my license.)
• My counselor and I got my classes for next year figured out today, so I'm approximately six or seven months ahead of schedule in that area.
• I get out of school May 29th—nearly two months away—and I am psyched.

For those of you anticipating my arrival back home for this summer, here is the plan, after I get out of school this year:
Chris and I will head down to Father's for a week to visit him once again. After that, we'll have to drive back here, because I have to get my braces tightened that following weekend. Then we'll fly out to Vegas for three weeks to visit you.

You have no idea how much I miss you guys and that place. Really.

- - - - - >

◊ four;

LONELINESS, BE OVER:

You once told me in a Valentine's letter that things will get worse before they get better.
I need you to believe that, too, because I have ever since.

Have you forgotten how much I care for you?
I care endlessly. Deeply.
That, fleur de lune, is just an understatement.

I will never abandon you.
I told you that. I promised you that.
I watched you cry and felt your heart break, and I promised to do my best for you, for us.

I JUST CAN'T TURN AND WALK AWAY.

It's hard to say what it is I see in you
Wonder if I'll always be with you
Words can't say and I can't do enough to prove
It's all for you

Don't give up on me, 'cause I've been fighting for you since day one.
I BELIEVE IN IT.

- - - - - >

-- seventeen.

mood: Mellowed out.
listening to: Nothing.
reading: Nothing
watching: The time, and The Patriot.
playing: Nothing
eating: Nothing, but I'm hungry.
drinking: I really, really, really, really, really want a Monster.

- - - - - >

For those that have been blatantly unaware, Chris and I have been at our father's house in Oklahoma since late Friday night.
I decided it's time I update.

MARCH 13

School was literally a blow-off day.
We didn't do any work (save for Chris's and my Japanese final exams that finally came into our counselor's mailbox), and most of the day felt like the perfect technique to waste time in my life.
More than half the things that happened aren't worth explaining.

After school, we immediately drove three or four hours to meet my Father. Then we drove four or five more hours with him to his house. We arrived home late at night and went to bed.

MARCH 14

Father had to work, but my stepmother has the weekends off, so she stayed home with Chris, our baby brother, and me.

Since my father's internet connection is superior to my mother's satellite, and I can actually watch videos here without causing a problem, I spent most of the time watching stuff on youtube (material on September 11th, Zeitgeist 9/11, The Grudge 3 trailers, both endings of The Grudge 2, Captain Disillusion, Jeff Dunham).

After Father got home, we waited for my grandmother to arrive. When she did, we did a little late celebration for Chris's birthday. We had chicken for dinner and chocolate cake for dessert. C: Yum.

I also got to webcam with my Kitsune.
Even now, still, I can't describe how happy I was to see him, or... what happened to my heart when I saw my pretty boy... and he is indeed still so, so, so, so pretty.

*chuckles slyly* And then I got on later that evening...

(Can you say, "Censored for your protection?")

MARCH 15

I webcammed with Tyler some more before he and the family went out shopping. :]

When Father got home, he took Chris and me shooting. He brought two of his rifles and Chris brought his own.
Because I'm extremely clumsy, prone to accidents and injury, and I nearly shot a guy's foot off last time due to lack of trigger safety, Father insisted I stick to using his 22 Rimfire. I couldn't have agreed more, after hearing how loud Chris's and his guns were—and seeing how violent their kicks were when they were fired.
I got three bull's eyes on my first round.
I don't shoot for a living. I don't even practice.
Kick. Ass.

MARCH 16

It was a good day, and then... not so much.

MARCH 17

So, this was yesterday.

Father had the day off, so he decided that we would go out and do a few things together—just him, Chris, and me, the way it used to be (the way I like it, admittedly).

We went to Braum's for lunch, like we always do at least once each time we visit. Chris got a chicken sandwich and I got chicken fingers.
Father wondered if we ever put any variety into our food choices. xD
While we ate, the three of us chatted away, had in-depth and meaningful conversations—probably the most intelligent conversations I've had in a long, long, long time. We even caught up a little bit, learned some new things about each other. (I don't know what Chris is doing staring at my female friends' asses when I'm not looking, but I'll be having a stern talk with him about that later, the disrespectful twit...)

Then, Chris and I got ice cream: strawberry for him, chocolate for me.

Me: Ew, you're getting strawberry?
Chris: Yeah. What's wrong with strawberry?
Me: Strawberry is nasty, dude.
Chris: It is not! D: Strawberry is good.
Me: It's disgusting, bro, honestly.
Chris: You've never even tried it.
Me: I have so.
Chris: When?
Me: In elementary school, then again twice in middle school, then again in freshman year.
Chris: ... Try it again.
Me: xD Yeah, no.
Chris: You like strawberry milk!
Me: No, I don't.
Chris: DDD8
Me: I don't like strawberry ice cream. I don't like strawberry milk. Hell, bro, I don't even like strawberries.
Chris: ... There's something wrong with you.
Me: No, I'm just better suited with chocolate.
Chris: Well... chocolate looks like crap. |3
Me: Very nice, very nice. You stay up all night thinking of that one, Mister Originality?
Chris: I got to bed around two.

Afterward, we went to Wal-Mart to do some grocery shopping.
I, however, went looking in the music section, just to see if I'd find anything interesting.
I got a CD from a new band called Thriving Ivory, and after giving it some time, I love it.

Review time:
• The vocalist, Clayton Stroope, could use a bit of work. I don't think he's a horrible singer, but... there are some parts where his singing isn't that great, either. When I first listened to the CD, I thought he sounded as though he were trying to imitate Jag from A Skylit Drive. I found that it just takes some getting used to, though, and now I'm perfectly okay with his voice. :]
• The lyrics... are better than anything I could've come up with, ever. They flow together easily with the music, and they're sweet and inspiring.
• The music itself is just amazing. It all fits perfectly with the lyrics, and some of it has even made me cry because it's so touching. (Then again, I'm a little sensitive.)
• I've found that there's imagery in their songs. It's like... the band uses their lyrics to conjure up half of that imagery, and then they use their music to complete the rest, and then they blend it all together so it turns into something pretty and soothing. (In fact, I think the music blocks out Clayton's voice most of the time.)

The only two songs I don't like are "Overrated" and "Light Up Mississippi". That's it.
My father even likes them, and he's super judgmental when it comes to music.

Later on, my family took to teasing me as we ate dinner.

Father: ... I'm afraid you're going to starve to death before you ever get to finish eating, with those damn braces in your mouth.
Me: I know, right?
Shannon: Honey, she'll be fine. Just takes some getting used to. Trust me.
Father: Well, just be sure you brush really good afterward, okay?
Me: No, I'm going to rebel against you so that I can suffer cavities and bad breath and discoloration.
Father: ... < <
Shannon: She's joking, honey. x3
Father: Yeeeah.
Shannon: The two things you probably won't be able to eat the whole time you have braces are corn on the cob and whole apples.
Me: ... Great. I fucking love apples and now I can't eat them.
Shannon: You can, if you cut them into pieces.
Me: That's no fun, though...
Father: Applesauce!
Chris: *tries to stifle laughter*
Me: Yeah, no. Applesauce is disgusting.
Father: Oh really?
Me: Yeah. Y'know, I don't see the point of applesauce. You've got the whole apple, so why make it into a sauce, honestly?
Chris: ... Maybe for people who have braces LOL.
Me: ...
Father: *takes to laughing his ass off*
Shannon: *stifles giggles* Walked right into that one, Shelby...
Me: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I hate you all and whatnot.

WHY ME?
Ugh... Stupid scrap metal...

MARCH 18

The parentals are at work, so I'm using this time to update. Sitting here with Chris, watching The Patriot. Texting Tyler and waiting for him to come home.

Not much going on.

-- sixteen.

mood: Mellow.
listening to: Nothing.
reading: Nothing
watching: The time. Almost time for school to end.
playing: Nothing
eating: Nothing, but I'm hungry. :c
drinking: I WANT MONSTER REALLY BAD REALLY REALLY REALLY BAD

- - - - - >

In first period this morning, my ugly side began frolicking about and screaming inside my head. She put horrible, frightening thoughts into my mind, and in doing so triggered high levels of my paranoia.
I didn't know what to do. Having here there with me again scared me. So I did what I do best: I wrote.

I wrote anything—anything at all.
I just snatched a pencil and flipped my notebook open to a random page, and... I'm not sure. For a minute or two, it felt as though I blacked out, but I was still awake. That doesn't make sense though, does it?
No.
Maybe it was that it felt like something else in my head—her, maybe—was controlling my hand, controlling what I wrote, controlling my state of mind, but not my mind entirely. When I was writing, it didn't feel like I was the one writing. I felt... robotic. But there was something there... There was... somebody there... with me. But I couldn't see it.
After I put my pencil down, I read what was there... and I couldn't remember writing any of it. It seemed foreign to me. It was a plethora of negativity, of things that just didn't make sense to me, but felt all too familiar to me. The voice that formed in my head when I read it sounded sad and innocent at first, but then I remembered who had been inside my head before I'd even gotten the notebook out, and I stopped empathizing.

That thing in my head isn't an innocent little girl, the way she always comes to me.
She's ugly.
She's mean.
She's horrible.
She hurts people. She hurts me.

I don't want to show anyone what she wrote, but... she needs to get out. She needs to leave. She needs to disappear.
And I have found that the only way to kick her out is to let her have her say, but to help her out the door when I do, without letting her control me... and I finally figured out how.


(I think only Tai will know what I mean by all this.)

-- fifteen.

mood: Horrible
listening to: Nothing
reading: My IMs with Tai and Kathy
watching: Nothing
playing: Nothing
eating: Nothing
drinking: Milk

- - - - - >

Suddenly the rain feels like acid.

-- fourteen.

mood: Loving. <3
listening to: "All Star" - Smash Mouth
reading: My IMs with Tai, Menna, and Lily.
watching: Nothing
playing: Nothing
eating: I finished dinner. |3
drinking: Gonna probably get milk soon.

- - - - - >

◊ one;

The past thirteen hours or so, overall, have been quite decent for me.

I woke up around 4:30 this morning because of both the roaring thunder and rain against my windows and a severe case of those annoying cramps. For the latter I got some Alleve and my heating pad, then headed straight back to bed until my alarm rang at 6:00, like it does every morning, and I got up again to get ready for school.

In the shower, I used the new face cleanser that I got yesterday.
It actually works, unlike everything else I've used since, what, middle school? Less than an hour later, I checked my face again, and—this is funny—my eyes got big, because holyfriggincrap my skin was much clearer than it's been since we got to Texas, and it even felt better, too. C:
Let's see the humidity destroy my complexion now. >D
Now if only I could make it leave my hair alone. :/ Man.

Even though, yesterday, the lady trimming my hair cut it too short, I tried to pull it into a ponytail after I straightened some of it anyway. It took me quite a few tries to make it look and feel right (if it doesn't, it bothers me), but I managed to get it pulled back and went to school that way. Honestly, I thought it was very pretty, very adorable. That's the first time I thought highly of my physical appearance in quite a long time.
Unfortunately, the massive amounts of wind passing through this area blew too many strands out of place, so I had to take it out during school and leave it down for the humidity to touch, once again. = =
I'll sue her. I specifically told her to not cut off half an inch. I specifically told her to cut only the very edge, just enough to get rid of split ends and yet allow me to pull my hair up, but that was too much to ask at the end of the day, wasn't it? God. *restrains a certain racial comment*

Anyway, in U.S. History, we all went to the computer lab so that we could work on our semester-ly History PowerPoints, but since I do mine at home, where I can concentrate on it better (and since Chris's PowerPoints always turn out better when he does them at the last minute, we've found), Chris and I just sat there looking at Waffen-SS info online, and I managed to sneak a few pictures of him and me for my multimedia project.

In algebra, my teacher had a change of plans. Last time we were in her class, she told us we were going to start practicing for our upcoming math proficiencies today, but apparently she wanted to start a new chapter instead. So we did that.
She's lucky that I finished my homework before class ended... and that I love her. > > She's a really nice teacher, full of spunk and good spirit with a light (and shockingly innocent) sense of humor, and it always makes me feel better whenever I walk into her room. That's weird, considering she literally loves math and I hateloathedespisewantokill it.

In geography, we had a class discussion about the Middle East. For the most part, our teacher basically told us about his service in the Army during the war in Iraq, informing us about the nine-and-a-half months he was over there in 2004 and about their culture and way of life. He even showed us a slideshow with pictures he took while he was there, and I have to admit that they were pretty neat.
Then he brought up camel spiders he saw over there, and I started laughing, remembering the bunch of crap Tyler told me about those spiders in order to scare me. xD
Tyler, I told him about that. He loves you for it. ; ; Lol.

I did nothing worth explaining in English or chemistry: It was just work, work, work.

Multimedia, however, was fun—probably the most fun I've had since September.
Aaron, Tomas, Gwen, and I went into the video/news room that's next door to our classroom, just like we did yesterday. Today, though, I fetched Chris from his algebra class and brought him with us, because I needed more pictures of me and him for my project, and he got to hang around with us for most of the period.
• Aaron and I teased Gwen and Tomas for a few minutes when the two of them sat there the entire time holding hands and cuddling. They're so adorable together. <3 I wish they would go out already. >:C
• Gwen was a sweetheart and took wonderful pictures of Chris and me goofing off with the news team's costumes and supplies. I will be using those on my project tomorrow.
• Aaron played with a keyboard we found sitting on the counter. He found a button that triggered the sound of birds tweeting and a button that made the noise of gunfire going off. Chris ran around the room, flapping his arms, pretending to be the bird making those tweeting noises, and then when Aaron turned on the gunfire sounds, Chris pretended to convulse violently "in midair" and then "fall to the ground" like a dead bird. xD It was pretty hysterical.
• I spent some time telling them more about Tyler. While I was talking, I must have been blushing or sounded really sincere or something, because when I looked at the three of them they were smirking lightly at me and Gwen was on the verge of tears. (Then, of course, she made this really loud gasping noise, covered her heart, and went, "Ohmygod that is the most touching thing I've ever heard in my life ohmygod...") I think that's the strongest reaction I've gotten out of anyone since he and I started dating, which is good, because that's the kind of reaction I expect.

It was fun, and I was really glad to see that Chris got along well with them. Normally... he has a bit of trouble being social, so when I saw that, even when Tomas and Aaron teased him just a little bit, he joined in on our conversations and acted like his goofy self to make us laugh, it made me happy for him. He's opening up more than he used to. <3
I'm kind of sad that Tomas, Aaron, and Gwen are graduating this year. They're really fun to be around (when Aaron isn't being obnoxious, or threatening to flick me in the forehead and, quote, "Knock me to the floor doing it and leaving me with a huge welt between the eyebrows" after I make a smart remark about something stupid he's done), and I'm going to miss them when they leave. :c

When I got home, I took another shower, since the humidity made me feel filthy and icky, and I just finished eating three bowls of chicken and noodle soup—so now I feel good and plump in the tummeh. ||3
... I'm on my period, and I eat like a male when I am. Give me a break.

Now I'm sitting here and waiting for my little fox to get home. C: I'm feeling very loving tonight, and I want to spoil that boy in said lovins.

- - - - - >

◊ two;

Just a few messages to certain people, all of whom shall remain nameless:

x-x-x

Not everything that comes out of my mouth is negative. If you would listen to everything I say during a conversation, rather than just pinpoint the pessimism so you can gripe at me about it afterward, you would see that.
If you don't like what I have to say, then don't listen to me. But don't complain when I say something to someone else just because you don't like it.
If it isn't directed towards you, you shouldn't worry about it. Learn that.

And stop spying on your entire family. That's despicable, honestly, and it's stupid of you to think that we don't know you're doing it.

x-x-x

I thought I liked you.
At first, I did, but after everything I've heard since I first met you, that doesn't seem to be the case anymore. Even from what I've been told by your best friend, it seems like all you've done for the past few months is cause trouble... and it's spread throughout my system of friends like a virus.

Here is my honest-to-god truth:
I wish you would grow up.
I wish you would realize that your life isn't a novel of negativity, as you constantly complain that it is.
I wish you would stop complaining about everything you seem to think of.
I wish you would be grateful that you have a girl who cares deeply for you (as deeply for you as I do for her), loves you just as I love her, and focuses the majority of her attention and compassion on you.
I also wish you would take that girl seriously (and thank her) when she tries to tell you that you mean something to her and that she cares for you, instead of blowing her off and complaining even more that you are good for nothing. If she takes all the time she does to tell you things like that, do you really think you are worthless? When someone cares about you as much as she does, do you honestly still think nobody cares about you?

I know there are things in your life right now that are hard for you to deal with, but I'm going to let you in on a blatant yet often overlooked truth, as I've done for too many people lately:
Life is hard. Everyone's life is hard. That's just the way it is.
Your life is no exception. Honestly, it cannot be as miserable as you are making it out to be, and from what I've seen and heard you are making it as miserable as possible, maybe just to get attention from her.

I did like you at first, but, unfortunately, now I would like you to stay away from me when I visit in June.

x-x-x

You've changed a lot.
Yet your behavior right now seems all too familiar.
I don't know how to confront you about it, except to just follow my heart.

x-x-x

No, no, no, no, no!
Leave me alone.
I. Do. Not. Want. To. Be. Friends.
I've told you again and again and again that you have ruined your chances at it, and that is never, ever, ever, ever going to change.
Stay away from me or I'm going to give you a facelift with my nails. I mean it. Seriously.
God.

x-x-x

Stay away from my brother.
If you lay a finger on him, I will kill you.
I'm not kidding.

x-x-x

- - - - - >

-- thirteen.

mood: Content, overall.
listening to: "Wordplay" - Jason Mraz
reading: Nothing
watching: Nothing
playing: Nothing
eating: Nothing
drinking: Nothing

- - - - - >

I decided to update again because I get lonely and bored in third period. (I tend to stay away from the rest of the students in here because they're either complete morons or druggies... or both.)
Plus, I can't seem to pass this algebra lesson on slope-intercept form. I've been stuck on it for a week now, and it won't let me move on to the next lesson until I pass this one... so it's really frustrating.
Only now do I thoroughly regret failing algebra my freshman year. *sighs* I'm almost done with it, though, once I get past slope-intercept, so... I'll just keep working at it.

Today has been pretty decent so far, excluding this morning before I got to school, when I felt depressed and didn't want to talk to anyone at all.

I felt better when I got to U.S. History: The humidity made my hair curly again once I got out of the car, even though I straightened it this morning until it was board-flat. When I got to class, I randomly asked if anyone had a hair tie I could use to pull it back, because by this point I've grown too annoyed with it being curled up in my face to tolerate it anymore.
One girl let me have one of hers, so I went to the bathroom to pull it back... and I was super happy to find that most of my hair is now long enough to keep in a ponytail.
Super, super happy. C: I've missed being able to pull my hair back; it feels really nice.
Now I'm walking around campus with my hair up, wearing what I call my "Nazi rookie hat" on top of that. (It's the black hat I bought when I went to the mall with Menna and Kathy back in August, when I visited Vegas for the summer.)

Law was flat-out easy for me today. Our teacher let the class correct their failed tests from last week, and since I'd already done that immediately after taking that test, I was free to sit around and do whatever I wanted—which was, basically, to sit around and talk to the teacher, Laura, Chandice, and some guy that sits behind Chandice, whom we've begun calling Dude Guy since we can never remember his name. (Tomas was at a college/career assembly with the rest of the seniors in the school for most of class.)
Laura, Chandice, and I chatted throughout the hour, basically, about anything—mostly our boyfriends, how tiny Chandice was compared to Laura and me, that sort of girl stuff.
When the seniors finished the assembly, it was time for the juniors to go, but I'd already decided ahead of time that I wasn't going to go. I stayed in Law instead. (I'm not going to college here anyway, so why bother, I thought.)
When Tomas came back to class, he had to correct his test, too, to his disappointment. xD When the teacher didn't appear to be listening in on us, he constantly tried to ask me for the answers he didn't know, but I couldn't remember any of them and I wouldn't have indulged him even if I had. ||D;
For the rest of the class, the three of us (Tomas, Dude Guy, and I) wasted time talking about (a) Tomas's ability to mimic Elmo's and Smeagol's voices perfectly, (b) his issues with him, Chandice, and her boyfriend (and how jealous she apparently gets when he hangs around with other girls), (c) something about Mexican similarities between him and his father, and (d) advice from Dude Guy about my braces, since he has them, too (because the wire in mine has begun to stab at the backs of my cheeks, proof that they're doing their job and moving my teeth, and it's bugging me).

I left Law to find it was raining outside, and my hair is unaffected now that it's pulled back, so I'm not annoyed with it. >D HA! TAKE THAT, CRAPPY TEXAS WEATHER!

I still have fourth, fifth, and sixth period to deal with today now, but I think it'll be fine. I hope so, at least.
After school, Chris and I are going to get our hair trimmed, because my hair needs to continue growing out smoothly and he wants to look nice for Father next week. (Our spring break is next week, for those of you who don't know that, and we're going to be in Oklahoma visiting our father for the whole of it. :/)
Oh, and once he and I get home, I really need to get some more pictures of me and him for my multimedia project, before Thursday. So I'll do that tonight. (Those of you that expected me online tonight will have to wait a little bit. I need those pictures; they're part of a major test grade. Be patient with me, mmk?)

... I'm doing pretty well right now, save for the fact that my braces are ripping up my bottom lip. q__q Ow... Should've brought the wax I've got left.

So, I'll talk to you guys later, ne? <3

P.S. I owe an explanation about this morning to my little flower.

I also need to have a serious talk with a certain individual about some ridiculous behavior that I've been hearing about another certain individual.
Why do I have to be the peace keeper, guys? Honestly? = =;

Oh! Kathy! I am so sorry I ignored you last night on AIM. ; ; I had shit going onnn.

-- twelve.

mood: Sore.
listening to: The damn birds outside
reading: Thinner - Stephen King
watching: Nothing
playing: Nothing
eating: Toast
drinking: Milk

- - - - - >

I'm just going to take this time to complain a little bit. (I always find Sundays a suitable day to complain about small things.)

• My teeth hurt again, for some reason... mostly the front ones. It's nearly unbearable to eat toast. :/ Is that supposed to happen after I've gotten used to them, or what?
• I have a lot of Japanese to study for my late semester exam... = =; I've gotten too used to going several weekends in a row without homework, so this doesn't seem right to me. Ahah.
• My right hand has been hurting strangely since Friday morning. At first, the soreness was just in the center of it, but now it's spread to my fingers, and I can't crack my knuckles without yipping in pain.
• It's still overcast, and I do still love that, but it seems to have gotten more humid... and the entire house is sweltering. Not even the giant fan in my room kept me cool last night.

Overall, I feel like crap right now.
Maybe I'll feel better once I shower.

Toodles.

-- eleven.

mood: Content.
listening to: "Outside" - Staind
reading: Nothing
watching: Nothing
playing: With my layout
eating: Nothing
drinking: Dr. Pepper

- - - - - >

◊ one;

As a few have probably already noticed, I've decided to organize my blog a little bit. Make it more personal, y'know? Decorate it.
I won't, however, change the template itself. I don't see the point of changing it when I'm content with it, anyway, right?
I'm just moving a few things around, testing it out. Trying to see what works best for me, nothing more.

- - - - - >

◊ two;

Today has been eerily calm and quiet. There's been no yelling, no griping, no bad moods (not that Chris and I can see).
It's cloudy, the way I like it, and windy, but unfortunately it's also humid and Mother insists on keeping the windows open to let that thick air in. It's disgusting.

Hopefully the rest of the day will go smoothly.

- - - - - >

◊ three;

And you bring me to my knees again.
All the times that I could beg you please, in vain.
All the times that I felt insecure for you...
And I leave my burdens at the door.

But I'm on the outside,
And I'm looking in.
I can see through you,
See your true colors,
'Cause inside you're ugly—
You're ugly like me.
I can see through you,
See to the real you.

All the times that I felt like this won't end—it's for you—
And I taste what I could never have: It was from you.
All the times that I've tried, my intentions filled with pride,
But I waste more time than anyone...

But I'm on the outside,
And I'm looking in.
I can see through you,
See your true colors,
'Cause inside you're ugly—
You're ugly like me.
I can see through you,
See to the real you.

All the times that I've cried,
All this wasted—it's all inside,
And I feel all this pain,
Stuffed it down; it's back again.
And I lie here in bed
All alone; I can't mend,
But I feel tomorrow will be okay.

I feel like I was away for a while.
A lot of things have changed that feel really new to me. Most of these changes are, to me, bad. I can't believe some of them.
I... Well, I can't believe some of you.

- - - - - >

-- ten.

mood: Calm.
listening to: The other students rambling away.
reading: Nothing
watching: Nothing
playing: Nothing
eating: Nothing
drinking: Nothing

- - - - - >

◊ one;

Today is Chris's birthday~

My dear little brother is a year older today.
I've made very sure that everyone here knows it, too:
• This morning, when I first saw him, I wished him a happy birthday.
• When we arrived to U.S. History, I left him messages on the whiteboard while he went to his locker. I wrote, "Happy Birthday, Chris!" in Japanese. Next to that was:

Today is Chris's birthday!
Love it. >:C

My goal with this was to make him smile and laugh, because everyone deserves that on their birthday—especially this guy—and I succeeded. :] It made me happy to make him happy.

After the other students wished him a happy birthday, he and I showed off our knowledge about WWII during discussion and proclaimed ourselves superior to the rest of them. |3

Now I'm in third period, so I haven't seen him for a couple of hours or so now. I won't again until lunch, after next period.
... I like sharing a lunch hour with Chris. Even though it's completely different from last year, being that it's just me and him at that time now, it's really nice. Every single day, we sit at our own table—by ourselves, I might add, which is nicer still—and while we eat we chat away and just hang out.

We also have fun doing what I sometimes call "vocal skits".
It's... something we used to do with our lunch posse last year, back in Vegas. I would be Hitler, Anna would be Mussolini, Sara would be Stalin, Alicia would be Churchill, and for some reason (probably because he imitated the line "I'M FUCKING JESUS!" from a certain movie we once discussed so well) Chris was Jesus. We would perform (verbally, for the most part) the silliest skits with those famous figures that we could possibly think of. Funny ones I can remember are:
• The dictators are out with Jesus playing golf. However, Jesus decides to try and show off his magic powers by playing with napalm grenades instead of regular golf balls. Thus, he sets himself on fire when he hits the "ball". When he tries to jump into a nearby pond to put it out, he forgets that "he is Jesus and therefore walks on water", so he can't pierce the surface of the pond to put out the flames. He starts running around in a burning frenzy looking for help, and he ends up setting Hitler's Volkswagen on fire when he tries to drive to the fire station for a water hose—and, of course, that explodes. He's reduced to nothing but ash. What do we do about it? We laugh.
• Hitler and Stalin are accused of being gay lovers simply because they're found in a room making plans to invade Italy (unbeknownst to Mussolini, lol). Hitler tries to convince them that they are both straight by wrapping his arm around Stalin's shoulders and saying, "Stalin and I, we do everyzing togezer, ja?" Stalin immediately replies, "Ja! :D" Jesus summons a rainbow to sprout over their heads and shouts, "GAY!" before running off into the distance... and maybe playing napalm grenade golf again, we concluded.

It was simply something we did for our own amusement. However, now that it's just Chris and me, he and I take to voicing the "characters" rather than acting them out in the courtyard, hence why I call them "vocal skits" now. It keeps us entertained, and there's always something to laugh about.
Recently, Chris introduced General Isaroku Yamamoto into the skits, where he constantly shouts, "I WANT TOAST! SOMEONE GO MAKE TOAST NOW!" His first appearance basically began when he barged into Hitler's bunker when the entire gang was having a billiards party in there, being told to get out, and then exclaiming, "NO. I AM WELCOME. I AM ALLY WITH GERMANY. *points at Hitler* YOU! YOU WILL WELCOME ME TO YOUR HOME."
Even though, in reality, Germany and Japan were allies during WWII, Hitler now consistently tries to get into Yamamoto's head that they are not friends and that he does not like the Asian, but... it never seems to work. xD

It's very, very weird, yes, but it gives us thousands of inside jokes and serves as a sort of laughter therapy for us, especially when we've had a crappy day and would like to feel better, even if just temporarily.

I love that kid.
He makes me laugh more than anybody else ever does. He's just a natural comic, I suppose. <3
He's also a brick wall now. :| I wouldn't recommend punching that kid, ever.

Oh, message for some people:
I promised Chris that I would play some videogames with him tonight because it's his birthday. He loves it when I play them with him, even if I do suck at them now. So if I'm not online, I'm probably getting my virtual ass kicked by him, mmk? :] Ta~

--

◊ two;

This week has taken forever to get through, so I'm glad it's Friday now. I get to relax and stay up late tonight.

What I really want to do is go home and talk to Tyler, spend some quality time with my little fox and make him happy, make us happy.
That boy... deserves it, and I owe it to him. I think we both need it right now, too, a lot.

He's my baby.
He's my heart.
He's... my little moonflower. A little flower that I've been devoted and attracted to ever since we met...
If I want him to become bright, happy, and successful, I have to go back to tending to him—giving him the water and the sunlight (maybe even the moonlight) that he needs, being gentle with him so that he doesn't gray and begin to wilt, because sad flowers never grow and angry flowers can turn into cacti. Maybe even the kind that shoots its needles into your leg when something ventures too close.
I also have to want to go back to taking care of him... and I do.
The old me, the Shelby that hasn't been touched by the affects of distance and Tyler-deprivation, has woken up, and there's a huge mess I need to clean up if I want to make things right again.
There's a little flower from the moon sitting in the corner, scared and starved of any light and love that it once knew from me, and I have to help it, very carefully and very quietly and very gently, because it'll take a while to help it get better again.
I know that now. I'll be sure to keep it in mind.

--

-- nine.

mood: Not entirely here.
listening to: The class.
reading: Nothing. Working on my Premiere Pro project.
watching: The video on my project. S'getting better.
playing: Nothing
eating: Nothing
drinking: Nothing

- - - - - >

Sticks and stones can break bones,
But words can break a heart.

We all take the risk of experiencing this sort of thing when we remain together.
We all hurt each other, and we all get hurt.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE
TO BE AFRAID
TO TALK TO YOU,
AFRAID THAT YOU
WILL SAY SOMETHING
THAT WILL HURT MY FEELINGS AGAIN.
I'm serious, being honest.
I'm tired of keeping quiet about it anymore.

-- eight.

mood: Very, very irritable.
listening to: Nothing.
reading: Short stories by Stephen King.
watching: Nothing
playing: Nothing
eating: Nothing
drinking: Nothing

- - - - - >

I'm too tired to talk about my day.
It was good, for once in a long, long time, but I'm too tired, and my mouth is too sore for me to concentrate that well.

The hooks on my braces, where the rubber bands are going to go, have cut nasty scars into the insides of my cheeks. The areas around those scars have swollen up.
No, I do not look like a chipmunk. The swelling isn't even noticeable unless I open my mouth wide enough and let you look in—which I refuse to let anyone do by this point. /stubborn and self-conscious
Eating, talking, laughing, and yawning have all been made extremely painful due to those scars, to the stupid scrap metal in my mouth. I just want to rip them out on my own, but I've been told by so many people that I'd only lose my teeth as well, and it would hurt worse than just getting used to the damn things anyway.

It's during times like these nowadays that I get very, very angry that I had no say in this whatsoever.
If I were, say, seven or eight years old, then I could understand not being given the choice to get braces or not. But I am seventeen, for crying out loud! Shouldn't I have had at least one word in edgewise about this?

For an invention that is so beneficial to me, it sure does depress me a lot.

Does anyone remember, back in middle school, when I would cover my mouth with one hand each time I laughed, because I was worried I looked stupid when I did it? Remember when, after someone told me I looked prettier when my smile was visible while I laughed, I finally stopped that?
I never, ever thought I would have to start doing that again. Hell, sometimes I find myself with my hand over my mouth even if I'm just sitting there, not doing anything, not talking or laughing or grinning at anything. And, most of the time, it's hard for me to take it away again.

Why not just yank my wisdom teeth out now and get everything over with all at once? That'd be another nice dose of karma for me, wouldn't it.

I sound pathetic.
And I absolutely hate when I sound or feel pathetic.