-- eighteen.

mood: A little sad... I think.
listening to: "Map of the Problematique" - Muse.
reading: Nothing
watching: Nothing
playing: Nothing
eating: Nothing
drinking: Water

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◊ one;

Father brought us back to Mother's last Friday.
The last two days I was there could've gone much better.

My weekend could have, too.

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◊ two;

I don't feel so well lately, physically or emotionally—mostly emotionally.
For me, things have been... very off and on recently, and it's left me with a bad feeling deep in my stomach. It's left me feeling nervous.
... That's really all I can say about the last few days. I mean... what more is there?

There's more. Of course there's more.
I'm just good at keeping my mouth shut nowadays.
I still respect privacy, unlike some people here.

All of what I'm feeling right now... confuses me...

I feel like I need to cry, but... I worry that I'll be crying for no reason if I do.
My chest feels empty (and yet my head feels so full).
I feel lost, for some reason... like someone let go of my hand and just left me here, as though they expected me to make this journey on my own.
I feel hated, but I think that's just the negative aura in this house. Then again, I don't really know anymore.

I guess all I can do about this right now is talk about it when I can find the words and keep thinking about the good things that lie ahead, to keep myself going.

But what if those good things actually turn out to be bad?

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◊ three;

The only things I find worthy of updating from recently:

• I've been studying my driver's handbook, and I plan on taking the written test probably this week or next week to get my permit... finally. (I can't wait to get my license.)
• My counselor and I got my classes for next year figured out today, so I'm approximately six or seven months ahead of schedule in that area.
• I get out of school May 29th—nearly two months away—and I am psyched.

For those of you anticipating my arrival back home for this summer, here is the plan, after I get out of school this year:
Chris and I will head down to Father's for a week to visit him once again. After that, we'll have to drive back here, because I have to get my braces tightened that following weekend. Then we'll fly out to Vegas for three weeks to visit you.

You have no idea how much I miss you guys and that place. Really.

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◊ four;

LONELINESS, BE OVER:

You once told me in a Valentine's letter that things will get worse before they get better.
I need you to believe that, too, because I have ever since.

Have you forgotten how much I care for you?
I care endlessly. Deeply.
That, fleur de lune, is just an understatement.

I will never abandon you.
I told you that. I promised you that.
I watched you cry and felt your heart break, and I promised to do my best for you, for us.

I JUST CAN'T TURN AND WALK AWAY.

It's hard to say what it is I see in you
Wonder if I'll always be with you
Words can't say and I can't do enough to prove
It's all for you

Don't give up on me, 'cause I've been fighting for you since day one.
I BELIEVE IN IT.

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